I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
