GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
