and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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