Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
