I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
