bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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