Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize