Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
