I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
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