Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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