before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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