I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize