doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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