I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
