I didn't shave. On purpose
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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