And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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