Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
