Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
