I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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