I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
