she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
