...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
