Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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