My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
