Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
