i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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