he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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