Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
