So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
