So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
