when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
