What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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