woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
