I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I cannot find my penis.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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