The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize