Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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