she looked like the bat from fern gully.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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