don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There's always time for handjobs
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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