so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
