sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
