I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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