Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
