My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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