U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
