Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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