I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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