Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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