Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
