are you so shy because you have an std?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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