By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Where is the hickey?
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
