Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
