If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
