I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
