threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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