She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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