I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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